Archive for January, 2008

the m i n d

January 30, 2008

so as far as I can figure, this is what happens when you use your mind and external authority to make decisions and run things….

Projector-Ness

January 28, 2008

hmmm, its been a fascinating past few days. I am currently in the middle of this process of containing myself as a projector. Gotta say a few things first ’bout us here types the projectors.

Design, for one things is about correctly utilizing your energy. and correctness is based in strategy. Strategy is the basic way that you interact with the world so ya don’t burn yourself out and you are connected with your own internal knowing(authority) and ya ask and offer and participate in ways that you get acknowledged so that it feels at ease and comfortable.

the Natural Characteristics for Projectors are:
we scope out where the energy is and have a way of wanting to become involved in stuff, b/c its fun and we are really great problem solvers, and have a lot, I mean A LOT to offer.

We can often get into people and have a deep understanding of others, kind of an intuitive reckoning on the others in our lives.

Great managers, and very compassionate, and can be very efficient, sometimes too efficient. Overworked? wow, soooo often. Often projectors become super slaves b/c they get into long range tasks that have nothing to do with them, personally.

Get hyped up on the energy of another person(s), or a posse of peeps, and often grab the flag and move peeps around in amazing ways.

so the Rules for Projectors are:
WAIT! To be recognized for who you are. Ooooo it’s the sitting on my hands that vexes me the most. The first year or so of living my design was a beeotch, for I was previously out there and rustling it up and moving and shaking and telling people what to do. OR, I would just slip in and do it all myself, or fix it the way I saw fit to have it done, w/out permission. Pissed a few managers off and had a nice little righteous stint for a while. ya don’t have to push yourself on others. If you wait to receive the invitation, then people will ask you to join them, or help or ask for advice. Doesn’t matter if they are about to kill themselves(not literally) but if you step in and offer advice or fixes or whateves, you are pushing yourself on them. No okay. You’re forcing the poo, and no one likes to be told what to do when they didn’t ask for help. That’s why it is ‘wait for the invitation’.

Be mindful not to get carried away on the juice/power/energy/enthusiasm of someone else, when you are feeling like ya need to chillax or leave, or feel uncomfortable. This is so easy when you are a non-energy type. Oh the nights I have stayed up till frikkin’ DAWN, and had no idea why I did it, ‘cept that the people I was with jacked up my life force! Awwwwwww, not even my OWN energy to enjoy, just someone else’s battery pack. Then when I went to the bathroom or moved away from them for a bit I could feel my body just DYIN’ but I brushed it off.

Projectors must find things to do that they love otherwise their lifeblood will be sapped from them. They will constantly find themselves being jacked on the energy of another, or identifying with another when they really have nothing to do with them, but don’t wanna be left out (like they have felt their entire lives) and so end up depleting themselves unnecessarily. No, when you love it and when you are asked to join in, its no longer work, so essentially projectors are her to NOT WORK!

Bitterness and aloneness only comes from NOT knowing that you have to be ASKED to come in and participate, but in a world that demands that each of us initiate our own processes, and ‘go out annnnnd GET’EM!’ is actually completely incorrect for projectors. Its about the shine and the glow. More on that soon, very soon, my dear.

Everyone else is running around like mad people all bein’ jacked on the ‘Jone’s’ idea of what we should all be and very few people are listening to their intuition on the INSIDE!

The projector’s insides say, ‘see here, I can totally help out and be enthusiastic about what’s happening, annnd I can contribute to this, BUT why is everyone always looking at me funny?’ It’s b/c you are not truly free to express yourself. No its not a free country. Its free for you when you are asked by another, ‘hey would you like to …?’
Then you can say ‘why yes, I’d LOOOOOVE to. Or say, ‘Nah, I’m tired and need to recharge’.
Get around this by asking the people in your life to ask you to join them. Whenever. However. But to always ask you.
You will NOT BELIEVE how cool this feels after a while. NO its not ego boosting or petting, you can really unfold and manage the energy when you are ASKED TO!

my current assignment:
Glow. Shine. My glow. My shine. Be self concerned, and fight the urge to posture and peacock, or position myself in such a way that as many people as possible notice me. It could be depressing, but the connectivity that happens when us projectors don’t go running around waving our own flags? Oh, man! What a relief! I don’t hafta work as much! Any time I am hoping or sayin, ‘self, oh maybe, just maybe….cross my fingers! They’ll notice how good I am at this or how cute I am….’ I gotta pull baaack,
and ease into my own shadow again,
my own field,
my own body,
and not posture.

Then I can relax and not have expectations. Lick my own fur and take care of myself, rather than all them peeps who want me, not to manage them, but to serve them. Running me into the ground in the process and leaving me beleaguered…
Whew! That’ll be a relief!

where, oh where, is my authority…

January 23, 2008

oh! HERE it is!
I have self projected authority from inside myself. I just need to get rid of the conditioning field around me. damn this stuff is soo bloody auric and technical its so incredibly simple! well the transit field and my roommate are both emotionally defined, so I’ve been ducking and covering, and dodging and swishing my way around.

Now today, It’s been a highly productive day, and I, after having an enormous grumble (see yesterday’s post) am now feeling like I am a bit more manageable to myself. Its extraordinary when the inner garble goes on hiatus, and a purpose arises out of the ashes of the grump. Maybe that is one fo the keys to melancholy….

Melancholy is a typical emotion for humans. after all there are 20 gates that have melancholy. Its one of the things that makes up our experience, and actually enhances and contributes to our creativity. more often than not however, people want to figure it out or push it away, or try and attach more meaning to it than is correct. Just let it wash over, feel it absorb it, and let it do its work, whether cathartic or creative, it has a function, a very deep function. the attachment to its ‘reason’ or purpose’ is often what snags it to our unconscious, and it ceases to be beautiful and elegant in its depth. this can often lead to depression and other lovely dysfunctions of the mind. We’re always trying to ‘figure it out’. and to embrace paradox is to just let it be what it is, and steep ourselves in its many folds and nooks. it then melts, and inspiration or some creative potential arise form its murky depths.

Breathe, tito. Breathe! wow, its so much nicer, now!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Grumpy Projector Day

January 22, 2008

waking up
…not to mention the fact that the transit field is emotionally defined, well, if you know what that means then ’nuff said. let’s just leave it at that.

Today I am grumpy. The work I am doing on/to/with myself is getting close and its getting a little bit rough. I am spelunking deeper into my own design and into my own power, and its a bea-otch. one of my teachers says that when you are close to transformation and clarity on another level, you get uncomfortable inside yourself, the pants don’t fit anymore. . . so, keep pushing thru. Well, I was pissed all morning, grumpy and distracted, and then i just thrust my will back into my grumpy mind and pursued my day with a vehemence and brashness that startled my parasite/NotSelf. After all I have self projected authority.

See, I had this ‘great idea’ to get the whole dating thing going again, and maybe to play the field a bit to take a break from my toils at my work and my studies of design. Got the kaibosh on that from my HDS teacher. Work on my glow, she says, that is all. the projector glow, its about recognition for projectors, and I can only be recognized correctly if I got my inner shine on and my glow going, my expertise. Its not about broadcasting it, or showing it off, its simply hanging out inside of it, expectationless. I’m a projector after all, and initiating relationships is by its nature incorrect for my life energy. So, no experimentation with cheqing out others, which through most dating techniques I would hafta initiate. Save a little jing there sport.

So that’s a ‘No’ on the relational explorations. Maybe even a bout with celibacy might get me even more riled up, and even clearer? yeah, that and a bite stick to walk around with chewing on instead of my own arm.

As I struggle with the revealing of my own self through the perspective of Design I get a little touchy at times. As of now, in my grumpiness, my roomie has a similar design to me, but she is emotionally defined. I have been able to discern her emotions from mine, and just a few minutes ago, she came down and asked me an assumptive question, and i quickly responded with a clear answer, albeit I could feel it was motivated by her emotional system, I felt it surge against my aura, yet I kept myself clear, and tied to my own mast.

I’m feeling emotionally defined by the transits, and then interacting with her, and now I hafta clear it all out as best I can… truth is simple and easy. the confrontation comes when the truth is reinterpreted.

Emotionality doesn’t have to be long and drawn out and processing and all that drama stuff. Frankly, it rarely drags on, or dwells or festers. the wave can rise into hope in an instant, and crack at the blink of an eye. Being emotional can be something as quick as a ‘no’ that is positioned correctly to illicit a particular response, or to poke a ‘living room bear’. no consistent criteria, just that it goes up and down, constantly moving. experiential.

So, I am wresting control from my NotSelf, my mind and my intellect and slowly guiding myself into my own will and authority. As my Toltec teacher puts it, I am at war with my parasite/NotSelf. feels like it more often than not, and especially today! My will is grappling or better yet, scrapping with my mind, and I am wriggling around in the delicious pain of transformation and the dedication to the greatest journey ever. the journey to myself.

wow, now I have written all this stuff as a purgative and its not any better. urrrrrrrrgh.