Archive for February, 2008

Pruning in the Garden

February 27, 2008

I was out in the back yard today pruning the butterfly bushes and feeling sorry for myself. Its been a pretty rough past few weeks, what with an even deeper reorientation of myself, working at getting out of transference, and living my design on a deeper and deeper level. Molting ain’t even the word.
So I’m out there clearing branches from the yard, and the clutter from my head, then it hits me, kinda double teaming me, actually.

1. I’m steeped in the melancholy of being insignificant and useless(two very evident places of melancholy in my channel of definition) and really, really trying to not make it mean something…and,

2. The realization that projectors are here to redesign/world
(‘world’ as a verb) the world that the Manifestors built. And I’m one of ’em. Only after watching several hours of TV over the past few days, the task struck me as epic. Truly Herculean.

Number 1- The other night, there I was, sitting in a bar with a Manifestor just chatting about design, and they unwittingly say something to me about strategy. My mind screeches to a halt. I am struck square in the chest. The whisper of the past months turned Louisville Slugger. In order for me to take the next step in my process of truly living my design, I must now completely embrace my only definition: leap into the unknown as a way of life.

Then, there are what are called the gates of Melancholy. There’s 20 of ‘em- a good third of the hexagrams. These are hexagrams that have deeply paradoxical nature, that can have deep emotional states arise from them. Through the only channel I have, the channel that has the gates of Shock(51) and of Innocence(25) comes these themes; Testing or annihilating one’s own boundaries, and going through it all while still inhabiting the beginner’s mind. The melancholic themes of these gates are the fear of being insignificant, and the anxiety of living a mundane of life. I am marinating in both of them currently. A sense of uselessness, and insufficiency, bundled with a healty dose of insignificance.

The 25/51 as a channel is the channel of initiation. Not of starting as it were, but of transition from one realm to another. I have been sidestepping this latest initiation, staring it in the face, and looking away staring into space.

As a projector, seeking my own inner authority and working my melancholy, sidestepping the traps of ‘making it mean something’ is critical. Its simply another aspect of the process of being human and on this path of self discovery. Funny how while I am in it right now, even writing about it still isn’t having it seep in any easier.
I just feel glum.

Number 2- Historically, from what I have been able to Glean so far is that the Manifestors put a buncha ideas into the heads fo the great creators; generators, to world the world in which we currently reside/suffer/marinate. Now as the end of an epoch comes, and the species is mutating, literally and imaginationally, the projectors are here for worlding the new world. The TV and the culture have lain heavily upon my skin, like thousands of little hooks into my flesh burdening me and hindering my movement, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Very intricate and really freaky!

Annnd, I need to figure out how to get to Ibiza for the 6th annual event. Its really a challenge for me to make it happen right now. I have some prospects that will pan out in the near future, but not until after the event, and so I am in a pickle. That mixed with some really snazzy melancholy, and you got yourself a bright sunny day with a glum projector.

Glum….

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Inner Authority crack’d open

February 26, 2008

Its been a wriggling week. My soul is wriggling in my body. Not pleasant. It wants out. Before, I could sort through uncertainties and confoundings, coming smoothly out the other side, with a little bit of surrender. But this time, it’s a doozie.

About three weeks ago I got several sessions of Matrix Energetics, and haven’t been the same since. That combined with a very important legal issue persisting to remain unresolved, getting slammed with incredible exercises from my rave psychologist about desire and transference, add a dash of late night staying up, and bake at lunar eclipse temperature for one week, and here I am.

After the Matrix Energetics session, I got up off the couch and looked around, wild eyed. And said to Janean, ‘This life I have is not mine. Oh my god I have been living someone else’s life. I have no idea what it is to live my life, but I gotta get out of this one, its not mine!’

Authority. Its clear like morning sun in the window across the breakfast table. As you sit and finger the handle on your coffee mug, you put your hand on the table and feel the warmth. Except the the warmth is inside.
I prefer to call it my inner compass. There are several forms of inner authority and one of the main themes in Design is to work with this, hand in hand with strategy. Emotional, splenic, sacral, ego, self projected, et cetera. Each with its own gestalt. Still it comes from the inside, from a place only each of us can discover. We have been living for so long with our decision making constraints coming from the outside; from church or synagogue, family or lack of, lineage or tribal, culture or indoctrination. If you want to be a good ‘insert classification here’ you hafta ‘behavior’.

I have come face to face with what I am. afraid to step. It is me, to step steadily off the platform. It is me to jump, tucking my knees into a cannonball. It is me to dare.
I’ve always played it safe, been told that there will be another chance.
‘There will be a next time, don’t worry it will come around again.’
Ya know what? There never has been, ‘another time’.

Gosh, I am really kinda pissed. I don’t have a ‘play it safe’ gene. But I have been acting as if I have one my entire life.
I feel my ego based authority as a movement, from the inside that is not ‘figured out’. It’s just there. It knows, and tells me. I don’t even have to ask. Technically, it comes from the G and the Heart, and has a predictive certainty about it. Its almost like it answers before I even ask. Its different from being powered by a generator, or invited, that is a specific amount of energy and like a manual that you have to read and then its over, with a finality about it. Guiding an energy type is like being pushed on a swing, or having your thoughts suddenly moving in another direction, then they smile at you and off you go.

No, Its not like I’m going to become a extreme sports addict, or go out and buy a squirrel suit, but I wouldn’t put it past me.

That has been sitting in my stomach like a bad burrito for three weeks now…

And my inner authority, my ego based authority wants to speak. I have no more choice.

No Choice. Believe it or not, that is quite a relief…