Desolate

June 20, 2008

I’m hooked on ‘LOST’ the TV series. Its a fabulous look at people under stress, and how they behave, or not. and its a very lucid look into the NOTSelf world of conditioning and the power of outer authority. In the show, everyone has secrets in one form or another that often dictate their current actions. In Design, we call that conditioning. really deep conditioning, and outer authority. but that’s another story.

22:03 Its a warm summer evening here. finally summer seems to be settling in. I walked down to the video store for my latest fix of LOST. I’ve had an interesting day and now steeped in melancholy, I am just wandering around the neighborhood looking for a little pressure to guide me. its a brilliant night, warm and pregnant with evening jaunts, or adventure by streetlamp, but no one has called and I am trying to not feel hope.

13:52. After a swim and a tuna melt(with jarlsberg!) lunch with one of my favorite people, she had a guest drop by who is a personal/success coach. She was dropping off some texts for a course they were involved in, and some how the conversation turned to Design. Almost an hour later, I had her fascinated and authentically interested, albeit I warned her that Design doesn’t like psychology very much. We found common ground in the vision that both coaching and Design earnestly strive for people to be free, tho from very different angles. I really enjoyed the stimulating talk and was very glad to exercise my Design muscles with another newbie, and she, having ONLY the channel of the Archetype(57-34) as her definition, listened very carefully…enthralled.

22:14 with the latest episodes in pocket, I stroll out into the thick air, looking for a little pressure, some public juice to fill this projector up. I walk past 3 restaurants and 2 bars, scanning for something interesting, perhaps some energy that has a little flare to it. All I see are clutches of tired people, sitting slightly uncomfortably on couches and chairs, holding drinks they are supposed to be drinking, trying desperately to look interested in something. really trying. I shake my head slowly, for I can feel them more than I can see them. call it my ‘spidey sense’, scanning a room like a ship’s sonar.
nuthin’. nada. nil. zilch. bored.

14:43 I look into her eyes, assuring her that I will have a look at her son’s chart. I will see if (with my little bit of experience), I can give her some tips on how to work with her four-yr-old triple split definition emotional generator. I see her eyes, and I perceive that she is in there somewhere, but I can easily see the coating of the ‘world’ upon her, and the mind, her scrutinizing, the discerning filters. I’ve seen her chart, so I have a sense of what is inside, the beauty that Michelangelo sees inside a block of marble. She’s juggling alot( and doesn’t have head or root definition…oooo the pressure!) so i am patient. And she’s interested in Design, some string sung inside. and from her sacral eeking its first message to me, I believe there is fun to be had. She’ll just have to reframe her experience a bit, and slough off some notions and try the experiment of living her Design.

It’s really tough to take on something as incredible as Design. its a whole other way of being. Its a psychic windex the likes of which i have never seen. My melancholy bubbles up from being alone tonight with my experience, my clarity and living my Design. Alone. for the moment.

that’s the NOTSelf world for you.

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Gettin’ Power’d UP!

April 17, 2008

This stuff really works!

So, I am out with a friend the other night, and we are talking about Human Design, He wanted an overview reading and we’d been waiting a while to get together, just to get some face time as well. We’re hanging out, trying to get into the ‘mood’ to talk about Design. Even lubricated with a dirty vodka martini and some really good happy hour food, still it’s a bit challenging. I can’t find my groove. I am ramping up and getting into it, but its not really working out, my thoughts are kinda fragmented, and i get off track and we bot get distracted. Both he and I are projectors, by the by, and so even when we’re together we’re not really ‘powered’ as it were.
Then, a friend of his(we’re in a restaurant at which he used to work) came over and sat down with us for a little visit while she was on break. I got excited, and started talking, east coast style! fast and concise and on a run! then she leaves to go back to her shift. and we kinda coasted back into the conversation, and foundered a bit more, but we were getting it done. I was almost satisfied with what I was sharing, but it still felt a little empty.

She comes back about a half hour later, informs us she’s off for the evening, so we invite her to sit with us. Off I GO again! talking a mile a minute, focused and sharing all kinds of cool stories and getting a lot across about Design in the overview with my friend, and a whole lotta other stuff too…
In the middle of this second conversation (with the added party) I say to him, “I bet you she’s a Manifesting Generator, and that
A) she’s got sacral definition, which means when she’s around she’ll be powering us up (the sacral is a motor of life force), and
B) that she has a defined throat, which means that who ever doesn’t have a defined throat(yours truly) will be talking a mile a minute, ’bout all kinds of stuff. And she just gets to sit there and soak it in.

well, after me talking my face off for another 40 minutes, and them both sitting there completely enthralled, I start to notice that I am getting tired. I remember again that my suspicions about being powered by her are most likely true, and I tell them both that I must cease, or I will burn out. Being very satisfied with his reading, and she well informed about bodywork modalities and a whole lot of other miscellaneous topics, they both agree that I can shut up now.
We pay the bill and egress into the cool night air. I remind him again of my suspicions of her design, and albeit he doesn’t quite understand everything I am speaking about, he logs it.

Its uncanny. I get an email from her the next day, run her chart, and there it is….

Everything I presumed!

Now, he and I are both projectors; he’s a mental one and I am ego and G defined.

Him

me

But the dynamic of her simply being present powered the whole process. She barely said very much the whole time, but she id say, “I’m just going to sit here and absorb what’s happening, don’t bother with me so much.”
Which of course, is a PERFECT description of a generator’s aura.

She’s go the sacral defined. the red square, the life force center, the powerhouse of vitality, and she also has the throat. the sacral is connected to the throat, up the left and through the G center (the yellow lozenge) so its powered by the sacral even though its a roundabout route. He has his throat defined as well, but its not powered by a motor, its connected to his conceptual center, but there’s not really power behind it. She’s the one that made is all go zoooooom. I have no definition in my throat at all, and I am usually the one speaking, as are other people who’s throats are undefined, they are the ones who end of blabbing all over the place, speaking what is not theirs, being powered by a defined throat in someone else!

Yep. I got powered, he got a killer overview, and we got to see the mechanics of aura in action. She’s going to be very excited about her reading, I can feel it.

And that’s the truth!

Departures- Ibiza 2008

March 24, 2008

Philadelphia, PA
terminal F16
18 march 18:27
the black and white airplanes were unsettling. Very unaesthetic. US airways reminds me of Blackwater’s image, only more federal government, stinking of homogenized protocols. At least the F terminal had fresh air. Ahsley’s secret treasure chest made of green fabric, once unpacked revealed a trove of poetry circulating the beat generation. Snodgrass, Karouac, Bukowski, even bob Dylan represented. Her favorite Robert Creely, whom I have never heard of, is now on the list of future reads. I read some of her poems in typewriter font from her dented powerbook, and it rested easy on my eyes, and very chewy. Excellent work. I had no idea as I volunteered to haul her green cloth satchel full of treasures that it would be this much fun to just have someone to hang out with during the tedious layover times between flights. My eyes widened as she pulled more and more books out of the bag, and the passion she has for poetry spilled from her mouth. Boredom easily alleviated by lively and intelligent companionship. We traded a bird’s nest of pu er tea for a pair of sunglasses, so that I could fit in better on Ibiza, and she could have a good hot cup of basement dirt. If you know teas, then you know the realm of aged oolongs, and understand.

Now its 18:30 and I must head to the complete other end of the airport, and seek my place in the boredom of waiting, lulled by the disparate voice of the anonymity of the loudspeaker’s requests.

Amsterdam Holland
Bloom cafe
19 march 10:06 AM

Aside from the fresh breeze of the Netherlands air, the first thing that hits me is the cologne. I step from the somewhat quiet, and empty customs no declarations area, and through an opaque spray painted sliding door, and into a sea fo well dress people who smell really good. I take just a few steps and the scents swirl around, a melange of good grooming expressed by essences. Dutch is a Nordic based language, so I am pretty much at a loss as to how to figure it out, I can’t really paste mental post its to the words like I can with the romance languages, so the train station and getting out of the airport is not that difficult, as long as I follow my nose.

Wet snow was hitting the window as I glided into the central station. Omigod, the number of bicycles! Seems like europe has the whole ‘bike to train to work ‘ thing figured out. Lots of apartments everywhere, and they are pretty well designed. So is the graffiti on the walls by the light rail. Be mindful your luggage isn’t too heavy or cumbersome if you plan to ride the light rail. The aisles are narrow, and there are always steps up and down; whether it be on to the actual train or up down into first or second class, as it were.

rue de Main
Santa Eulalia
20 March 11:38am

Two for two. They lost my luggage, again. Just like last year. I approached the belt to seek my luggage, and just as I did, so did he. This old man, must’ve been an Ibithanke(local of the island) zipped right in front of me, to wait almost on top of the belt. He seemed rather satisfied with himself and pretty much stood there with a gloating energy of a child who just won in dodgeball. His wife brought about the pushcart, too far away, and he eased himself over towards her, as though he just drifted there, still somehow victorious over this young man who he had beaten to the belt. A pushy and scraggly German and his magazine model girlfriend was freaking out and rushed his way around all the carousels(there are only three) looking for his baggage. After a fairly unsuccessful conversation with an Italian worker, the mild mannered Spanish fellow understood that I understood that there was nothing to do but fill out the forms. And wait. No one else had this notion at all. We both smile quietly and looked at the screen. My luggage was still in Barcelona, apparently it wanted some tappas, and had neglected to get on the plane.

Jagruti was behind the barrier as I went out to meet her. a quick kiss through the barrier, then back into the baggage claim to fill out the forms and point to my luggage on the ‘have you seen me?’ lost luggage chart.
I didn’t have an address or a phone number for pick up. I slid down the well waxed Ibiza terminal floor, to Mal. It was a moment like when lovers meet. Nothing ned be said, we just embraced, and held each other as thought it had been lifetimes. Just a year, but that was entirely too long. He is my power and I am his guide. Instantly, both of us were at peace. I was back on the island.

Dinner at Hostel Central, Marcus’s place, pork medallions, and a flirting waitress. A decaf coffee and two Belvenie’s later, we toddered off to the hostel at the end of the main street. My room was a monk’s cell. And also the last one available in the hostel. Dark carved wood end table and luggage rack, burgundy bedspread on a single bed. Window out to a small chimney like courtyard. The view was like a abstract painting form the late 70’s; shapes and lines from the walls and sparse pipes that line the courtyard, seeking their destination somewhere out of view. Anything that didn’t move and I didn’t have to sit in along with several thousand other people’s static was fine by me. If it were a board, or as Mal said, ‘A trash can would do you fine right about now.’ as long as I could sleep.
I was awoken for no apparent reason somewhere around 3-4am, got up for a moment, wandered about my 6-8ft room, or changed something about a plug, then back to bed. So much for an alarm. I wokeon my own accord round 11am. Splashed water on my face. Donned my clothes from the past three days, and downstairs for no internet, esspresso, and peach jam on a toasted roll. Oh my god, the butcher just walked into the hostel. CLASSIC! With two bags of meat and a flat of eggs.
I am back on ibiza. I have returned to Fenecia.

Pilgrimage

March 14, 2008

I am hereby completely set and locked in to going on my annual visit to Ibiza for the Ibiza event. I have been a basket case for at least two weeks, trying to get this thing sorted. whether or not to go, if this was right/correct and logistical elements that were and are unsteady at best. Locked in, I just noticed that, and now I find that I have chosen it. Do we choose? yes, we always choose, its just how much we own what we choose…
perhaps its my paranoid 3/5 profile… i dunno.

As you know I am steeping myself in Human Design as a perspective for making choices and self awareness. I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin and turned my eye towards my life, my alliances and relationships, with more fascination. It’s hella fun and a fabulous experiment.

This year I am on staff for video shooting the entire event, interviews, candids, environmental shots, and shooting for a live web cast of Lectures with Ra.(no I didn’t do this one)
here is a video about his encounter.

Looks like another working vacation for me, only with less dust. the event is about 10-14 days of lectures and workshops and gatherings of people from all over the world who work with Design. It is the intention of Jovian archive to develop a television broadcast component, seeing as they already have a daily radio show. I helped with shooting last year, and I have been invited back, now with full gear and lights, rather than the jury rig we used last year. it wasn’t a bad rig and we made it work, but we’re stepping up our game. I love working with these folks because they are all so present and willing and supportive of this work and the opportunities that can come with seeking and revealing ourselves. Great partying as well!
it is still the off season on Ibiza, and the island is sleepy with locals sitting calmly in cafes soaking up the last bits of peace, before the ‘European adult Disneyland’ opens after easter. Easter in catholic countries is fascinating, the ceremonies are intricate and embedded with the history, pain and elation of the beliefs. Add that to island living, and you have a recipe for amazing times.

here’s a little recap from last year

Projector notes:
I have been delving deeper and deeper into what it means to be a projector. The tag line for us is ‘to know ourselves through the other’. as for the term projector, we see ourselves when we can speak with others about what is going on in our hearts and what ideas are swirling around in our psyche. Its simple really, projectors get to spill ourselves out on other people(whom we trust) and just by simply hearing ourselves speak, by noticing the reactions and responses from the person across the table, we begin to actually recognize ourselves. it is a form of projection, but not as it is typically understood. If we are, as projectors, being correct there is an ease and a sense of openness in the people that surround us. the power we have is literally given to us by others, when we are invited to participate, asked to join, offered a position, or smiled at in a way that asks us to come in.the invitation.

the invitation comes with a bonus for us. the bonus is that if its correct, then whoever it is that invited us recognized us as well. We’re so damn good at it, we know how to handle and how to roll it out, its just we need someone to offer us the power pack to do it so we aren’t exhausted, or feel obligated afterwards. To be seen, and acknowledged is paramount to projectors. Yes, everyone wants to be noticed, but most people just want to have a deeper level of satisfaction in their lives. Projectors need to be recognized for their skill and ability, whatever that may be, and asked to join in. then they can jam all night long!

teaching:
So, for the past two months I have been taking a certification class to teach a beginner level program…
I am looking forward to teaching a class on it every month upon my return home from the event. the class will be ‘Living Your Design’ an introduction to the strategies for living through the lens of Human Design. I’ll post my schedule for teaching upon my return from the island. every month for a while.

that and a monthly class on my bodywork modalities, and maybe a layman’s massage class too. perhaps a couples caring for another class as well?

Walkie talkie stuff:
Know where I can find a 5 piece headset intercom system? I need it for the video production.
booth, tech and camera operators. any leads? Rent for three weeks or purchase perhaps?

I will blog.

From the Source. a Webcast of Ra

March 7, 2008

Participate in Ra’s lecture series, from the comfort of your own home.

Every year for five years running there is the Annual Ibiza event. HD peeps form all over the world come and meet up and share news, do workshops, and party.
my first sight of the Mediterranean sea
This year, the 6th event we’ll be providing an opportunity for people interested in Design.
Lectures with Ra will be webcast.
every day from5pm-7pm
March 22-31st.

this is an opportunity like no other. Its like being there only without the expense and the travel.
Want to get a little feel for the
Ibiza experience?

sign up for the webcast Lecture series here

This is truly not to be missed.

Pruning in the Garden

February 27, 2008

I was out in the back yard today pruning the butterfly bushes and feeling sorry for myself. Its been a pretty rough past few weeks, what with an even deeper reorientation of myself, working at getting out of transference, and living my design on a deeper and deeper level. Molting ain’t even the word.
So I’m out there clearing branches from the yard, and the clutter from my head, then it hits me, kinda double teaming me, actually.

1. I’m steeped in the melancholy of being insignificant and useless(two very evident places of melancholy in my channel of definition) and really, really trying to not make it mean something…and,

2. The realization that projectors are here to redesign/world
(‘world’ as a verb) the world that the Manifestors built. And I’m one of ’em. Only after watching several hours of TV over the past few days, the task struck me as epic. Truly Herculean.

Number 1- The other night, there I was, sitting in a bar with a Manifestor just chatting about design, and they unwittingly say something to me about strategy. My mind screeches to a halt. I am struck square in the chest. The whisper of the past months turned Louisville Slugger. In order for me to take the next step in my process of truly living my design, I must now completely embrace my only definition: leap into the unknown as a way of life.

Then, there are what are called the gates of Melancholy. There’s 20 of ‘em- a good third of the hexagrams. These are hexagrams that have deeply paradoxical nature, that can have deep emotional states arise from them. Through the only channel I have, the channel that has the gates of Shock(51) and of Innocence(25) comes these themes; Testing or annihilating one’s own boundaries, and going through it all while still inhabiting the beginner’s mind. The melancholic themes of these gates are the fear of being insignificant, and the anxiety of living a mundane of life. I am marinating in both of them currently. A sense of uselessness, and insufficiency, bundled with a healty dose of insignificance.

The 25/51 as a channel is the channel of initiation. Not of starting as it were, but of transition from one realm to another. I have been sidestepping this latest initiation, staring it in the face, and looking away staring into space.

As a projector, seeking my own inner authority and working my melancholy, sidestepping the traps of ‘making it mean something’ is critical. Its simply another aspect of the process of being human and on this path of self discovery. Funny how while I am in it right now, even writing about it still isn’t having it seep in any easier.
I just feel glum.

Number 2- Historically, from what I have been able to Glean so far is that the Manifestors put a buncha ideas into the heads fo the great creators; generators, to world the world in which we currently reside/suffer/marinate. Now as the end of an epoch comes, and the species is mutating, literally and imaginationally, the projectors are here for worlding the new world. The TV and the culture have lain heavily upon my skin, like thousands of little hooks into my flesh burdening me and hindering my movement, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Very intricate and really freaky!

Annnd, I need to figure out how to get to Ibiza for the 6th annual event. Its really a challenge for me to make it happen right now. I have some prospects that will pan out in the near future, but not until after the event, and so I am in a pickle. That mixed with some really snazzy melancholy, and you got yourself a bright sunny day with a glum projector.

Glum….

Inner Authority crack’d open

February 26, 2008

Its been a wriggling week. My soul is wriggling in my body. Not pleasant. It wants out. Before, I could sort through uncertainties and confoundings, coming smoothly out the other side, with a little bit of surrender. But this time, it’s a doozie.

About three weeks ago I got several sessions of Matrix Energetics, and haven’t been the same since. That combined with a very important legal issue persisting to remain unresolved, getting slammed with incredible exercises from my rave psychologist about desire and transference, add a dash of late night staying up, and bake at lunar eclipse temperature for one week, and here I am.

After the Matrix Energetics session, I got up off the couch and looked around, wild eyed. And said to Janean, ‘This life I have is not mine. Oh my god I have been living someone else’s life. I have no idea what it is to live my life, but I gotta get out of this one, its not mine!’

Authority. Its clear like morning sun in the window across the breakfast table. As you sit and finger the handle on your coffee mug, you put your hand on the table and feel the warmth. Except the the warmth is inside.
I prefer to call it my inner compass. There are several forms of inner authority and one of the main themes in Design is to work with this, hand in hand with strategy. Emotional, splenic, sacral, ego, self projected, et cetera. Each with its own gestalt. Still it comes from the inside, from a place only each of us can discover. We have been living for so long with our decision making constraints coming from the outside; from church or synagogue, family or lack of, lineage or tribal, culture or indoctrination. If you want to be a good ‘insert classification here’ you hafta ‘behavior’.

I have come face to face with what I am. afraid to step. It is me, to step steadily off the platform. It is me to jump, tucking my knees into a cannonball. It is me to dare.
I’ve always played it safe, been told that there will be another chance.
‘There will be a next time, don’t worry it will come around again.’
Ya know what? There never has been, ‘another time’.

Gosh, I am really kinda pissed. I don’t have a ‘play it safe’ gene. But I have been acting as if I have one my entire life.
I feel my ego based authority as a movement, from the inside that is not ‘figured out’. It’s just there. It knows, and tells me. I don’t even have to ask. Technically, it comes from the G and the Heart, and has a predictive certainty about it. Its almost like it answers before I even ask. Its different from being powered by a generator, or invited, that is a specific amount of energy and like a manual that you have to read and then its over, with a finality about it. Guiding an energy type is like being pushed on a swing, or having your thoughts suddenly moving in another direction, then they smile at you and off you go.

No, Its not like I’m going to become a extreme sports addict, or go out and buy a squirrel suit, but I wouldn’t put it past me.

That has been sitting in my stomach like a bad burrito for three weeks now…

And my inner authority, my ego based authority wants to speak. I have no more choice.

No Choice. Believe it or not, that is quite a relief…

the m i n d

January 30, 2008

so as far as I can figure, this is what happens when you use your mind and external authority to make decisions and run things….

Projector-Ness

January 28, 2008

hmmm, its been a fascinating past few days. I am currently in the middle of this process of containing myself as a projector. Gotta say a few things first ’bout us here types the projectors.

Design, for one things is about correctly utilizing your energy. and correctness is based in strategy. Strategy is the basic way that you interact with the world so ya don’t burn yourself out and you are connected with your own internal knowing(authority) and ya ask and offer and participate in ways that you get acknowledged so that it feels at ease and comfortable.

the Natural Characteristics for Projectors are:
we scope out where the energy is and have a way of wanting to become involved in stuff, b/c its fun and we are really great problem solvers, and have a lot, I mean A LOT to offer.

We can often get into people and have a deep understanding of others, kind of an intuitive reckoning on the others in our lives.

Great managers, and very compassionate, and can be very efficient, sometimes too efficient. Overworked? wow, soooo often. Often projectors become super slaves b/c they get into long range tasks that have nothing to do with them, personally.

Get hyped up on the energy of another person(s), or a posse of peeps, and often grab the flag and move peeps around in amazing ways.

so the Rules for Projectors are:
WAIT! To be recognized for who you are. Ooooo it’s the sitting on my hands that vexes me the most. The first year or so of living my design was a beeotch, for I was previously out there and rustling it up and moving and shaking and telling people what to do. OR, I would just slip in and do it all myself, or fix it the way I saw fit to have it done, w/out permission. Pissed a few managers off and had a nice little righteous stint for a while. ya don’t have to push yourself on others. If you wait to receive the invitation, then people will ask you to join them, or help or ask for advice. Doesn’t matter if they are about to kill themselves(not literally) but if you step in and offer advice or fixes or whateves, you are pushing yourself on them. No okay. You’re forcing the poo, and no one likes to be told what to do when they didn’t ask for help. That’s why it is ‘wait for the invitation’.

Be mindful not to get carried away on the juice/power/energy/enthusiasm of someone else, when you are feeling like ya need to chillax or leave, or feel uncomfortable. This is so easy when you are a non-energy type. Oh the nights I have stayed up till frikkin’ DAWN, and had no idea why I did it, ‘cept that the people I was with jacked up my life force! Awwwwwww, not even my OWN energy to enjoy, just someone else’s battery pack. Then when I went to the bathroom or moved away from them for a bit I could feel my body just DYIN’ but I brushed it off.

Projectors must find things to do that they love otherwise their lifeblood will be sapped from them. They will constantly find themselves being jacked on the energy of another, or identifying with another when they really have nothing to do with them, but don’t wanna be left out (like they have felt their entire lives) and so end up depleting themselves unnecessarily. No, when you love it and when you are asked to join in, its no longer work, so essentially projectors are her to NOT WORK!

Bitterness and aloneness only comes from NOT knowing that you have to be ASKED to come in and participate, but in a world that demands that each of us initiate our own processes, and ‘go out annnnnd GET’EM!’ is actually completely incorrect for projectors. Its about the shine and the glow. More on that soon, very soon, my dear.

Everyone else is running around like mad people all bein’ jacked on the ‘Jone’s’ idea of what we should all be and very few people are listening to their intuition on the INSIDE!

The projector’s insides say, ‘see here, I can totally help out and be enthusiastic about what’s happening, annnd I can contribute to this, BUT why is everyone always looking at me funny?’ It’s b/c you are not truly free to express yourself. No its not a free country. Its free for you when you are asked by another, ‘hey would you like to …?’
Then you can say ‘why yes, I’d LOOOOOVE to. Or say, ‘Nah, I’m tired and need to recharge’.
Get around this by asking the people in your life to ask you to join them. Whenever. However. But to always ask you.
You will NOT BELIEVE how cool this feels after a while. NO its not ego boosting or petting, you can really unfold and manage the energy when you are ASKED TO!

my current assignment:
Glow. Shine. My glow. My shine. Be self concerned, and fight the urge to posture and peacock, or position myself in such a way that as many people as possible notice me. It could be depressing, but the connectivity that happens when us projectors don’t go running around waving our own flags? Oh, man! What a relief! I don’t hafta work as much! Any time I am hoping or sayin, ‘self, oh maybe, just maybe….cross my fingers! They’ll notice how good I am at this or how cute I am….’ I gotta pull baaack,
and ease into my own shadow again,
my own field,
my own body,
and not posture.

Then I can relax and not have expectations. Lick my own fur and take care of myself, rather than all them peeps who want me, not to manage them, but to serve them. Running me into the ground in the process and leaving me beleaguered…
Whew! That’ll be a relief!

where, oh where, is my authority…

January 23, 2008

oh! HERE it is!
I have self projected authority from inside myself. I just need to get rid of the conditioning field around me. damn this stuff is soo bloody auric and technical its so incredibly simple! well the transit field and my roommate are both emotionally defined, so I’ve been ducking and covering, and dodging and swishing my way around.

Now today, It’s been a highly productive day, and I, after having an enormous grumble (see yesterday’s post) am now feeling like I am a bit more manageable to myself. Its extraordinary when the inner garble goes on hiatus, and a purpose arises out of the ashes of the grump. Maybe that is one fo the keys to melancholy….

Melancholy is a typical emotion for humans. after all there are 20 gates that have melancholy. Its one of the things that makes up our experience, and actually enhances and contributes to our creativity. more often than not however, people want to figure it out or push it away, or try and attach more meaning to it than is correct. Just let it wash over, feel it absorb it, and let it do its work, whether cathartic or creative, it has a function, a very deep function. the attachment to its ‘reason’ or purpose’ is often what snags it to our unconscious, and it ceases to be beautiful and elegant in its depth. this can often lead to depression and other lovely dysfunctions of the mind. We’re always trying to ‘figure it out’. and to embrace paradox is to just let it be what it is, and steep ourselves in its many folds and nooks. it then melts, and inspiration or some creative potential arise form its murky depths.

Breathe, tito. Breathe! wow, its so much nicer, now!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh