Posts Tagged ‘authority’

Inner Authority crack’d open

February 26, 2008

Its been a wriggling week. My soul is wriggling in my body. Not pleasant. It wants out. Before, I could sort through uncertainties and confoundings, coming smoothly out the other side, with a little bit of surrender. But this time, it’s a doozie.

About three weeks ago I got several sessions of Matrix Energetics, and haven’t been the same since. That combined with a very important legal issue persisting to remain unresolved, getting slammed with incredible exercises from my rave psychologist about desire and transference, add a dash of late night staying up, and bake at lunar eclipse temperature for one week, and here I am.

After the Matrix Energetics session, I got up off the couch and looked around, wild eyed. And said to Janean, ‘This life I have is not mine. Oh my god I have been living someone else’s life. I have no idea what it is to live my life, but I gotta get out of this one, its not mine!’

Authority. Its clear like morning sun in the window across the breakfast table. As you sit and finger the handle on your coffee mug, you put your hand on the table and feel the warmth. Except the the warmth is inside.
I prefer to call it my inner compass. There are several forms of inner authority and one of the main themes in Design is to work with this, hand in hand with strategy. Emotional, splenic, sacral, ego, self projected, et cetera. Each with its own gestalt. Still it comes from the inside, from a place only each of us can discover. We have been living for so long with our decision making constraints coming from the outside; from church or synagogue, family or lack of, lineage or tribal, culture or indoctrination. If you want to be a good ‘insert classification here’ you hafta ‘behavior’.

I have come face to face with what I am. afraid to step. It is me, to step steadily off the platform. It is me to jump, tucking my knees into a cannonball. It is me to dare.
I’ve always played it safe, been told that there will be another chance.
‘There will be a next time, don’t worry it will come around again.’
Ya know what? There never has been, ‘another time’.

Gosh, I am really kinda pissed. I don’t have a ‘play it safe’ gene. But I have been acting as if I have one my entire life.
I feel my ego based authority as a movement, from the inside that is not ‘figured out’. It’s just there. It knows, and tells me. I don’t even have to ask. Technically, it comes from the G and the Heart, and has a predictive certainty about it. Its almost like it answers before I even ask. Its different from being powered by a generator, or invited, that is a specific amount of energy and like a manual that you have to read and then its over, with a finality about it. Guiding an energy type is like being pushed on a swing, or having your thoughts suddenly moving in another direction, then they smile at you and off you go.

No, Its not like I’m going to become a extreme sports addict, or go out and buy a squirrel suit, but I wouldn’t put it past me.

That has been sitting in my stomach like a bad burrito for three weeks now…

And my inner authority, my ego based authority wants to speak. I have no more choice.

No Choice. Believe it or not, that is quite a relief…


Grumpy Projector Day

January 22, 2008

waking up
…not to mention the fact that the transit field is emotionally defined, well, if you know what that means then ’nuff said. let’s just leave it at that.

Today I am grumpy. The work I am doing on/to/with myself is getting close and its getting a little bit rough. I am spelunking deeper into my own design and into my own power, and its a bea-otch. one of my teachers says that when you are close to transformation and clarity on another level, you get uncomfortable inside yourself, the pants don’t fit anymore. . . so, keep pushing thru. Well, I was pissed all morning, grumpy and distracted, and then i just thrust my will back into my grumpy mind and pursued my day with a vehemence and brashness that startled my parasite/NotSelf. After all I have self projected authority.

See, I had this ‘great idea’ to get the whole dating thing going again, and maybe to play the field a bit to take a break from my toils at my work and my studies of design. Got the kaibosh on that from my HDS teacher. Work on my glow, she says, that is all. the projector glow, its about recognition for projectors, and I can only be recognized correctly if I got my inner shine on and my glow going, my expertise. Its not about broadcasting it, or showing it off, its simply hanging out inside of it, expectationless. I’m a projector after all, and initiating relationships is by its nature incorrect for my life energy. So, no experimentation with cheqing out others, which through most dating techniques I would hafta initiate. Save a little jing there sport.

So that’s a ‘No’ on the relational explorations. Maybe even a bout with celibacy might get me even more riled up, and even clearer? yeah, that and a bite stick to walk around with chewing on instead of my own arm.

As I struggle with the revealing of my own self through the perspective of Design I get a little touchy at times. As of now, in my grumpiness, my roomie has a similar design to me, but she is emotionally defined. I have been able to discern her emotions from mine, and just a few minutes ago, she came down and asked me an assumptive question, and i quickly responded with a clear answer, albeit I could feel it was motivated by her emotional system, I felt it surge against my aura, yet I kept myself clear, and tied to my own mast.

I’m feeling emotionally defined by the transits, and then interacting with her, and now I hafta clear it all out as best I can… truth is simple and easy. the confrontation comes when the truth is reinterpreted.

Emotionality doesn’t have to be long and drawn out and processing and all that drama stuff. Frankly, it rarely drags on, or dwells or festers. the wave can rise into hope in an instant, and crack at the blink of an eye. Being emotional can be something as quick as a ‘no’ that is positioned correctly to illicit a particular response, or to poke a ‘living room bear’. no consistent criteria, just that it goes up and down, constantly moving. experiential.

So, I am wresting control from my NotSelf, my mind and my intellect and slowly guiding myself into my own will and authority. As my Toltec teacher puts it, I am at war with my parasite/NotSelf. feels like it more often than not, and especially today! My will is grappling or better yet, scrapping with my mind, and I am wriggling around in the delicious pain of transformation and the dedication to the greatest journey ever. the journey to myself.

wow, now I have written all this stuff as a purgative and its not any better. urrrrrrrrgh.

Hello Lovelies!

November 15, 2007

yep here I am in California! I have been immersed in the Human Design System(HDS) for over a week now and have been traveling in some Very Interesting places. I must say, I have a penchant for complicated and intricate things, and this is turning out to be soooo much simpler than I could possibly imagine!


Here’s what I have learned so far…

*the magic of being correctly invited into a situation, and how easy the
energy moves. and for me being a projector, its pretty intrinsic to my
longevity and happiness

*how uncomfortable it is to push and initiate when I’m not supposed to

*paradox is inherent in our lives and actually an important part of the
human experience, not to mention it takes ENORMOUS pressure off of
expectations. ex: “it could happen, or not…”

*surrender is Sooo much harder than we think, but once ya get used to it,
the unknown becomes a friend

*How amazing the mechanics of aura truly are. its so mechanical and
technical it scared me!

*Design is extraordinarily lucid and acute in explaining the mechanics of
relationships, especially in my own family, and how
people/relationships/situations work, or don’t.

*finding out that… I am not supposed to initiate, yet my authority
(which is ego projected, so I hafta look to others for much of my decision
making process) is all about willpower, direction, and desire, and Yet I
have the design of initiation, but not in terms of initiating on my own
but of taking people through that initiatory membrane, that veil, the
“ring pass not…”

*the more I trust in my own process, the easier(initially) it gets.

* i have been a slave to others’ whims and thoughts my entire life, my own
willpower slowly being revealed in these moments

A Little Story…
I was once asked a question by a dear old friend who asked, “hey, this
whole ‘getting it’ thing. Once I get it and, y’know, see All That Is or
the answer or the deeper patterns, does it get any easier?

I laughed and said, ‘No it doesn’t. But, you become a bit more deft and
dexterous with handling the situations that arise, and the weirdness of
what it means to be human.

its just about being in your human-ness as much as you can stand.

More deeply tho, we are always taught to, suggested, and requested to
‘be yourself’.

-You know, s/he’ll like you a lot more if you just be yourself.
-If you were just yourself, people would get more of who you are.
-why you gotta try to be someone that you’re not? Why can’t you just be

But when if EVER, are we ever, EVER shown who we are. Is there a way to
tell… who you are?

Welcome to the Power of Human Design
this is literally the blueprint for taking repose into ‘yourself’.
I’m not gonna make any more claims tho. Just watch me, and my adventures
and the pudding will prove it to us.

but don’t take my word for it, try the experiment for yourself.

Because ultimately, Human Design has the capacity to give us that which
all the other disciplines promise as well….

Love Yourself