Posts Tagged ‘freedom’

Inner Authority crack’d open

February 26, 2008

Its been a wriggling week. My soul is wriggling in my body. Not pleasant. It wants out. Before, I could sort through uncertainties and confoundings, coming smoothly out the other side, with a little bit of surrender. But this time, it’s a doozie.

About three weeks ago I got several sessions of Matrix Energetics, and haven’t been the same since. That combined with a very important legal issue persisting to remain unresolved, getting slammed with incredible exercises from my rave psychologist about desire and transference, add a dash of late night staying up, and bake at lunar eclipse temperature for one week, and here I am.

After the Matrix Energetics session, I got up off the couch and looked around, wild eyed. And said to Janean, ‘This life I have is not mine. Oh my god I have been living someone else’s life. I have no idea what it is to live my life, but I gotta get out of this one, its not mine!’

Authority. Its clear like morning sun in the window across the breakfast table. As you sit and finger the handle on your coffee mug, you put your hand on the table and feel the warmth. Except the the warmth is inside.
I prefer to call it my inner compass. There are several forms of inner authority and one of the main themes in Design is to work with this, hand in hand with strategy. Emotional, splenic, sacral, ego, self projected, et cetera. Each with its own gestalt. Still it comes from the inside, from a place only each of us can discover. We have been living for so long with our decision making constraints coming from the outside; from church or synagogue, family or lack of, lineage or tribal, culture or indoctrination. If you want to be a good ‘insert classification here’ you hafta ‘behavior’.

I have come face to face with what I am. afraid to step. It is me, to step steadily off the platform. It is me to jump, tucking my knees into a cannonball. It is me to dare.
I’ve always played it safe, been told that there will be another chance.
‘There will be a next time, don’t worry it will come around again.’
Ya know what? There never has been, ‘another time’.

Gosh, I am really kinda pissed. I don’t have a ‘play it safe’ gene. But I have been acting as if I have one my entire life.
I feel my ego based authority as a movement, from the inside that is not ‘figured out’. It’s just there. It knows, and tells me. I don’t even have to ask. Technically, it comes from the G and the Heart, and has a predictive certainty about it. Its almost like it answers before I even ask. Its different from being powered by a generator, or invited, that is a specific amount of energy and like a manual that you have to read and then its over, with a finality about it. Guiding an energy type is like being pushed on a swing, or having your thoughts suddenly moving in another direction, then they smile at you and off you go.

No, Its not like I’m going to become a extreme sports addict, or go out and buy a squirrel suit, but I wouldn’t put it past me.

That has been sitting in my stomach like a bad burrito for three weeks now…

And my inner authority, my ego based authority wants to speak. I have no more choice.

No Choice. Believe it or not, that is quite a relief…