Posts Tagged ‘struggle’

Grumpy Projector Day

January 22, 2008

waking up
…not to mention the fact that the transit field is emotionally defined, well, if you know what that means then ’nuff said. let’s just leave it at that.

Today I am grumpy. The work I am doing on/to/with myself is getting close and its getting a little bit rough. I am spelunking deeper into my own design and into my own power, and its a bea-otch. one of my teachers says that when you are close to transformation and clarity on another level, you get uncomfortable inside yourself, the pants don’t fit anymore. . . so, keep pushing thru. Well, I was pissed all morning, grumpy and distracted, and then i just thrust my will back into my grumpy mind and pursued my day with a vehemence and brashness that startled my parasite/NotSelf. After all I have self projected authority.

See, I had this ‘great idea’ to get the whole dating thing going again, and maybe to play the field a bit to take a break from my toils at my work and my studies of design. Got the kaibosh on that from my HDS teacher. Work on my glow, she says, that is all. the projector glow, its about recognition for projectors, and I can only be recognized correctly if I got my inner shine on and my glow going, my expertise. Its not about broadcasting it, or showing it off, its simply hanging out inside of it, expectationless. I’m a projector after all, and initiating relationships is by its nature incorrect for my life energy. So, no experimentation with cheqing out others, which through most dating techniques I would hafta initiate. Save a little jing there sport.

So that’s a ‘No’ on the relational explorations. Maybe even a bout with celibacy might get me even more riled up, and even clearer? yeah, that and a bite stick to walk around with chewing on instead of my own arm.

As I struggle with the revealing of my own self through the perspective of Design I get a little touchy at times. As of now, in my grumpiness, my roomie has a similar design to me, but she is emotionally defined. I have been able to discern her emotions from mine, and just a few minutes ago, she came down and asked me an assumptive question, and i quickly responded with a clear answer, albeit I could feel it was motivated by her emotional system, I felt it surge against my aura, yet I kept myself clear, and tied to my own mast.

I’m feeling emotionally defined by the transits, and then interacting with her, and now I hafta clear it all out as best I can… truth is simple and easy. the confrontation comes when the truth is reinterpreted.

Emotionality doesn’t have to be long and drawn out and processing and all that drama stuff. Frankly, it rarely drags on, or dwells or festers. the wave can rise into hope in an instant, and crack at the blink of an eye. Being emotional can be something as quick as a ‘no’ that is positioned correctly to illicit a particular response, or to poke a ‘living room bear’. no consistent criteria, just that it goes up and down, constantly moving. experiential.

So, I am wresting control from my NotSelf, my mind and my intellect and slowly guiding myself into my own will and authority. As my Toltec teacher puts it, I am at war with my parasite/NotSelf. feels like it more often than not, and especially today! My will is grappling or better yet, scrapping with my mind, and I am wriggling around in the delicious pain of transformation and the dedication to the greatest journey ever. the journey to myself.

wow, now I have written all this stuff as a purgative and its not any better. urrrrrrrrgh.